10

Jan

Mirror Mirror on the Wall…

I AM my mother, after all.

My baby boy just turned 6 weeks old yesterday. 4 weeks ago, my parents drove 1500 miles from the midwestern United States out to the wild west to see him. It had been about a year since I had seen either of my parents – being pregnant and all, hopping on a plane to Oklahoma with a toddler was the last thing on my mind.

We had a wonderful visit. I always have fun with my mom. What made this visit even more special is that both my younger brother and sister now live here in town and we could all have fun together. Something was different this time, though. The more time I spent with my mother, the more I realized how much I am like her. Of the 5 girls in my family, I am the one that looks most like her. The other girls all look more like my dad, which is to say they are quite Asian looking. I always looked like her though. What I noticed this time around was how what I thought to be very hip and flattering bronze-colored eye shadow I’ve been wearing is the exact same shade as what my mom has always worn. I never noticed it. Then it was the eye-liner. She had worn liquid liner for as long as I can remember. I started wearing it about 5 years ago, always buying name brands from Nordstrom…and even in our other visits, I just never noticed these small things I do that are becoming like her. And all this time I thought I was being so unique- my own person!

My mom and I have certainly had our differences, including one big falling out concerning a boyfriend she didn’t at all approve of….I moved out. I moved away…1500 miles away…and I married him. And just so you know, it isn’t true what they say…time does NOT heal all wounds. WE have to work to heal them ourselves. It has taken a long time and a lot of visits to get where we are now. It is somewhere different than it used to be, but I am so very grateful that we both love each other enough to make that effort. It is all so much easier to be involved in each others lives, even from so far away. She may not have been the perfect mother – or anywhere close – but who is? Certainly not me. I can honestly say, however, that she is the  most amazing grandma, perhaps, ever. She is fair, she is loving, she is sympathetic and kind. She can enjoy this role – she doesn’t have to discipline anyone! For this, I am extremely grateful. And perhaps this is why we get along so well now? She isn’t responsible for my mistakes anymore. Parenting is never over at any age – but at this point, we can have more fun instead of her trying so hard to raise me.

I see myself in her now. The way she used to be with us when we were kids is eerily similar to the way I treat my own. Only, I say those 3 special words a lot more than I ever heard them myself. I can’t blame her for that, though.

As kids, my dad used to tell us stories at bedtime about his childhood in Thailand. Stories like how his dog, Lassie, saved him (and his soccer ball) from some bullies behind his parents restaurant. About his pet squirrels – and how they all died. There is, of course, my favorite story about how he once put a tack in a chubby boy’s chair in class and waited for him to jump up – only, he never did…the tack stuck in his pants where his butt crack would be. We loved these stories so much, we were always sure that my mom had some of her own to share. She didn’t. Not really. We’d ask, and all we’d hear is about how she and her sisters would touch an old, broken record player that shocked you upon contact. They’d all hold hands and see if they could feel the shock all the way at the end! Then there was the story about the family parties where all the adults passed around Mason jars of moonshine. Man, we came from some classy hillbillies! These were as good as they got. It isn’t that she doesn’t have stories – they’re just not memories she wants to relive or to even remember. What adult wants to remember getting beat to a pulp by her own mother when she was just a child? Why recall only having 2 outfits and switching off wearing them every other day with your twin sister. Oh, and let’s not forget what it must have felt like for a father to leave his 3 young daughters with the woman who made there life a living hell.

This once-horrible woman is dying now. Her lungs are filling up with pounds of fluid and she is losing weight faster than I can say ‘hippopotamus’. To me, she was a woman with a dirty house that never kept her promises. She was the older woman whose birthday was the day after mine, which for some reason made her think we were some sort of kindred spirits? She’d take me to get hot dogs and root beer every year and then to sit at the mall fountain to “people watch”. She would wrap gifts halfway with actual tissues or newspaper and would make ice cream floats out of frost-bitten rocky road and a can of caffeine free Dr. Pepper. She taught me how to crochet when I was little. There was always cat hair intertwined with the yellow yarn I used to make the longest chain stitch possible. She decorated t-shirts with markers and puff paint…usually for her husband…and crocheted each of us a special “rainbow blanket” to keep us warm – even though the stitch created an open weave and the cold could still get in. I never quite understood that.

For some reason, this woman made me feel special. Other times infuriated that she didn’t always take us to the park or mall like she’d said, but she’d make up for it by letting us dig huge holes in her large backyard from the overflowing horse trough to the small pond. Our own mother never let us play in the mud like this! I was designated by my siblings, cousins and grandma as the one who could get Grandpa to buy us pizza for dinner when we all slept over. We’d watch “Rescuers Down Under” and “There’s a Troll in Central Park”, sleep on the hide-a-beds pulled out from her blue sectional. She wasn’t all bad- to me.

As she slowly fades from this life into the next, I start to wonder, Mirror, Mirror on the wall – what if, my mom was her own mother, after all?

This old woman’s decisions made us, each and every one of us. My mom was not an easy woman to live with or to be raised by – but she broke the pattern. She brought 6 children into the world because she loved us. She saved us from the world of fear and pain that she experienced as a child. For that, I find her amazing. There are always things I will do different with my kids because I didn’t like how it was done by my mom. I think we all do that. We want our babies to have a better life than what we had, so we have to make certain improvements. But is it so bad to become MY mother? If I’d been asked this question when I was 16, I’d have been mad the question was even brought up! I probably felt the same way when I was 20, too…but now? I find myself entirely grateful that when someone asks me how I get along with my mom, I can honestly and sincerely say that I love her, and not just because I am supposed to.

 

145 days ago Short URL Comments

Love/Mom/Parenting/Uncategorized

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16

Nov

Irrational Anger

I’m 37 1/2 weeks pregnant. There is no way to hide that I am pregnant. There is also no way to hide the fact that I am fed up with being pregnant. This morning (much like the past few days), I woke up feeling angry. There is no way to explain it, except hormones, perhaps? Most of my anger is channeled at my husband, sadly. Most likely because he is the person who is here…or because he is the person who put me in this situation?! I was told by the doctor yesterday that I’m likely going to have the baby within the week, but just in case, he set up an induction date for after Thanksgiving. I almost wish he’d have told me it wasn’t going to happen for another 3 weeks, so I’d be pleasantly surprised when I go in to labor soon.

Despite my anger, I am in much better spirits at this point than I was with my now 3 yr old. I remember being about 10 days from my due date – and the doctor telling me that he wouldn’t even induce me until I was at least a week overdue. I felt the tears welling up in me, doctor trying to comfort me, and then the doctor leaving the room. I took one look at my husband sitting there and then burst into tears! I was miserable. My heart was broken. But why? I was about to have a sweet little boy and the opportunity to have all my meals made and brought to me for 3 days! What I didn’t fully comprehend was that this was only the first, and possibly one of the easiest sacrifices I would make for this little baby.

In the past 4 years I have willingly given up more things that I can even remember and most of which I won’t ever miss – for this little boy. It is amazing what our bodies – and our hearts were built to do – this human nature thing. Conception, gestation, and birth are amazing on their own, but this experience alone does not a mother make. What I find incredible is the natural impulse to love and care for a child so much. Beyond my natural children, I find it instinctual to love my nieces, nephews and children of my close friends. Including the adopted babies in our family. There is just something about a child’s innocence that makes them difficult not to at least have a general concern for – the natural ability to endure our own discomforts if it is in the best interest of the child.

I have vague memories of waking up every 3 hours for the first few months of my son’s life to feed him. I got really good at changing diapers in the dark, with my eyes closed. What stuck with me most about those nights are all the moments I sat there, rubbing the back of my index finger on his soft little cheek as he slept in my tired arms. Even when we were still in the hospital, he would rub the back of his little hand on my neck as he nursed. Sometimes, in the dark, all I could see were his giant eyes staring at me in the dim light coming in the window from the lampposts outside. He knew me; and I knew him. He knew me better than anyone else on this earth ever could. he knew the tone of my voice, the beat of my heart and he could smell me. This brief period in time belonged to us – to know one else in the world. I loved it. Here, I learned that being a mom is more important than sleep.

I will say going through pregnancy the second time around is a little easier – mentally at least. Having new moments with my new baby boy in a few weeks gives me something to look forward to. It will be strange to see him – a boy whose ultrasound picture looks identical to his big brother – and to love him just as much. It’s weird to think I’ll love another the same way and the same amount – it seems like so much emotion to possess! I will love seeing them together. I will love being with them each alone. Most, I think, I will love seeing them with their dad. Somehow (and am I the only one?) when I see my husband being “dad”, I find him more and more attractive! I digress…

199 days ago Short URL 1 Comment

Love/Mom/Parenting

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11

Nov

Current Events

I was wanting to write about adoption today; I read a very touching article that I wanted to share. Instead, I have decided to comment on the Penn State scandal. Originally, I was hoping to avoid having to even acknowledge it. I guess if I ignore it enough, it will disappear, right? Instead, I keep hearing and finding more information that haunts and burns me to the core. Some of these disgusting events won’t leave my mind and honestly have left me physically nauseous at times. I suppose that if I put them “on paper”, they  might go away?

In case you haven’t heard about the Penn St. scandal involving a football coach who ran a foundation for at risk youth, you can read more about it in these articles:

Grand Jury Report: http://abcn.ws/uGJ2y2

Highlights: http://ti.me/vigGDG

 

I am from Norman, Oklahoma. No one in this world has to tell me that football is important. In fact, I was raised to believe that college football is LIFE. I thought I was part of a family of fanatics – while this is correct, we are nothing in comparison to my in-laws. Nothing. Amazingly, my husband is the youngest of 5 boys, is the son of a BYU graduate and the child of 2 insane Brigham Young sports fans (I am personally not a BYU fan and can rattle off tons of trash talk here, but I won’t – for now!). While I look forward to Sooner football each season and keep myself educated enough on all the starting players and major events in the game and with the team, I had no idea how much more of my life could be consumed with the sport. My husband follows his team year-round. I can’t even tell you what all he does or knows about them, even though he tells me about recruits, potential recruits, etc. all the time. We have mutually developed selective hearing, I suppose. He plays that NCAA Football video game, watches team highlights, etc on BYUTV, has season tickets and has been known to arrive at the games a few hours in advance to watch the team warm up- with a brother or two, of course. He will take our toddler to scrimmages, both of them suffering through snow storms (child properly dressed and warm, of course). My husband has also assisted coaching an incredibly competitive peewee city league team with 2 of his brothers for about 5 years. Much like the sport in Oklahoma, we are training up our youth to be fanatics too.

Needless to say, I get it. I get football. I more than like football. I love it. I throw around a small OU football with my little boy, I teach him all the fight songs/chants/traditions that have to do with Sooner football. I have long been excited to sign him up for his first sports experience, whether it is soccer, t-ball, etc – all in preparation of him putting his athleticism to good use for future football playing. Although challenged in height, my husband has no shortage of athletic abilities. He is freakishly fast and can jump like no human should. My kid has inherited these skills – and a few more. Anyhow, I look forward to letting my boys be involved in not only a sport I love, but an opportunity for them to have positive human interaction. I want them to learn how to be part of a team, how to work hard, and how to have good sportsmanship. What parent doesn’t want these attributes and opportunities for their children?

What I don’t want is to send my child to have these amazing liberties and then find out that he is being sexually abused by the very people I was expected to trust to teach and protect my child. Sadly, this is the situation a number of parents are finding themselves in. With this particular story involving Penn St, not enough is being said to recognize these young victims. Even more tragic, this seems to have been the trend with the entire experience with this school. Not enough. Beyond what little was done by the coaches, athletic director and university president, I am extremely appalled by the reaction of the students.

Upon the firing of head coach, Joe Paterno, riots broke out. The students were in support of their beloved coach, “JoPa”, who had done nothing to protect the victims of Jerry Sandusky, nor to prevent further abuse from happening. Sure, he reported it to his superior, but when it was apparent that this coach, who had been seen raping a 10 yr old boy in a locker room shower wasn’t going to be punished, fired or even stopped from repeating this behavior, he should have reported it to the police. Wouldn’t you? As humans and as adults in the situation, we have a moral obligation to protect those who cannot protect themselves. What’s worse is that these kids that Sandusky preyed upon came from “at risk” situations – kids from broken homes, who needed role models and adults to show them that life doesn’t always have to be so scary or difficult. Adults who were supposed to let kids who had to deal with difficult settings at a young age, just be kids! 

The sad truth of the matter is, one in four girls and one in six boys will be sexually assaulted before the age of 18. Less than 10% will never tell anyone what happened to them. Sandusky’s toll is supposed to climb to 17. Keep in mind, there are still some of his victims who will probably never tell anyone. In the least, some of these targets will speak out as an adult, but probably won’t take action to prosecute their offender. One can only imagine what it must be like to have been exploited in such a manner – and for these kids, some repeatedly- and then feel that they are so completely alone in the world that they cannot even tell a soul? They’ll never have someone to tell them it is not their fault…especially now that Oprah’s show is off the air. Dead serious about that.

What I really cannot stomach, beyond the abuse, is that we have young people in our world obtaining higher education, who will ultimately involve themselves in society, politics, voting, decision making for our country – who are taking the side of a man who did not fulfill his civil and more duty of protecting the innocent, the helpless. More than anything in this world, a victim of sex abuse needs love and support – not a group of people rioting on the side of Joe Paterno.

I’d like to be there when, in the future, these college kids become parents and see footage of themselves on national television, siding with an organization that let a viscous predator walk free from tearing apart the lives of young boys. How can you explain that to your own children? It is these students’ outlook that has victimized these poor children to begin with.

As a mother, a mother of (soon to be) 2 little boys, there is hardly something worse to imagine than one of my sweet babies becoming the mark of a horrendous creature like Jerry Sandusky. Fully aware of the statistics, I do everything a parent physically can to protect my children from having to lose their innocence and going through excruciating physical and emotional pain of any kind. There will be times, I know, that I cannot be there to protect them. It frightens me. Especially when the adults and “football legends” I could potentially leave them in the hands of are the very people who are betraying them.

While I was raised in a village where we are born and bred into college football and I understand the importance of a reputation and an incredible team, I haven’t forgotten what really matters, regardless of how some stupid kids in State College behave.

Let’s be human again.

204 days ago Short URL Comments

Child Abuse/Mom/Parenting

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07

Nov

Awkward.

I came across a blog post today – from someone completely random – entitled “How Bad Jeans Happen to Good Moms”. Link will be provided at the end of this post – I am still cracking up.

Let me tell you about about my life-long struggle with shopping for jeans or any pants for that matter:

My non-shopping experience started when I became the 4th girl (of 6 kids). I also had a cousin who is only a year or so older than me, whose grandma bought her very nice clothes. Throughout elementary school, my wardrobe existed entirely of hand-me-down clothes and the few Hello Kitty, Keroppi & Body Glove items that my aunts would bring/send us from Thailand. I had little choice in what I wore, and since my oldest sister is about 12 years older than me, most of my clothes were purchased and originally worn in the early 80′s. I wish I could say I was so young or naive that I didn’t notice the way the other kids at my school looked at my “unique” fashion sense (which did include a few silky floral vests, very similar to what the cast of Blossom might have worn).

When I first watched “My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding”, I sympathized with Tula. Always wanting a white bread sandwich for lunch, to wear cute (normal!) clothing and perhaps, to not wear the largest tortoise-framed glasses ever made. Surprisingly, the weird lunches were always made by my mom (as opposed to my Asian dad) – she is Caucasian! If I wasn’t eating from a tray, I’d open my lunch box to find a sandwich made of leftover roast and potatoes, doused in garlic powder, leaving a stench trail of garlic everywhere I went, including my breath. Sometimes, she’d make a frozen pizza and wrap it in foil. It was soggy by the time I got to eat it. I think now, how I am grateful my mom made me a lunch – but I very much longed to open that brown paper sack and see a sandwich made of peanut butter and jelly. I just wanted to be normal! Blonde. Freckles across my nose. My awkwardness only got worse with time.

As middle school approached, my dad graduated from medical school and we finally had some funds to shop with. That didn’t change things too much, however. My clothes were from the current decade, but my mom always presumed we’d continue to grow taller – at an extremely rapid pace – I might add. All of our clothes were purchased a size too big, to provide longevity of each article. If I did grow at a rapid pace, or at any pace at all, this may not have been a problem. Seeing as my mom is only 5’2″ and my dad is Asian, I don’t know why she thought we’d ever outgrow any of our clothing. I was constantly wearing belts, hiking my jeans back up to my waist. I had an extremely flat butt (that I’d give anything to get back to!) and I weighed less than 100lbs, until I got pregnant with my first child.

I was grateful for the day my mom let us start buying jeans at the mall. FINALLY some part of my attire would be quality, might have a variety of fits to choose from! Even so, my mom insisted on approving each item and she even had a signature process to determine if a pair of jeans passed her test. She’d put a finger in the waist – pull. Turn around, grab any loose fabric at the bottom of the bum. Is there enough room in case I suddenly got fat? Yes. Okay. Next test. Face forward – grab any gaping material in the crotch area, pull. This one, I am not sure why – but she always does it – we’re all girls – I don’t know why we’d need extra room there???? The last check – and the worst one – what is the distance between the waist of the jeans and my bellybutton? In her book, the closer these targets were, the better. Needless to say, even though my clothes were new, they still never actually fit me. There are photos to prove this.

When I finally moved out of my parents house, I was determined to buy clothes that fit my slim body. I think one of the first times I went shopping without someone measuring to see if I had enough crotch room was when I was dating my now husband. I was excited to branch out, find my own style, and to wear something that actually fit. When we got married, I had a gym membership and my body was in its prime. My jeans never fit better. Then it happened. I got pregnant. Now, any jeans will never fit the same.

It is amazing how many things on a woman’s body change during pregnancy, and then never go back to their original state. There, I’d thought that because I could wear a pair of slim fitted denim and really buy them from anywhere and they’d fit, that I had finally arrived. I thought that maybe I fit that definition of being normal. Now, I have finally realized what it means to be myself regardless what size of pants I wear. Mainly because my shopping experiences are exactly like this woman’s:

http://bloodsweatandpeanutbutter.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/how-bad-jeans-happen-to-good-moms/

PS – I don’t think I’m any less awkward that I was as a kid. I’ve just learned how to embrace it!

208 days ago Short URL 3 Comments

Mom

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05

Nov

Breast is Best

I can’t believe I waited this long to post about this….

 

The other day, I went shopping with a friend. As she was trying on her jeans in a room at The Gap, I stood in the hallway of the dressing room, trying on a sweater. Next to me, my almost 3 yr old snoozed in his stroller. There is no way of hiding that I am now in my 9th month of gestation – It feels like I can’t go anywhere without someone asking me when I’m due, etc. I must be really big.

An older woman walks into the dressing rooms, asking fashion advice about a shirt she is going to buy. Very quickly, she starts asking me questions about my pregnancy. I oblige. She moves further into the corridor, just outside of a room where I presume it is her daughter, trying on clothes. They chat for a moment, then she  asks me if I am still nursing my little boy. I kind of laughed a little, assuming that she thinks he is much younger (still too old to be nursing) because he is just like me and just like his dad – a little short. I answered her “Ohhh no – he is almost 3.” Her response? “Oh, well some people nurse that long!” She then gestures, smiling, but slightly surprised and almost grossed out, to her daughter who is now halfway out of the dressing room. Her daughter’s reaction? She acted as if it is completely normal to continually breastfeed a child that “Just won’t stop asking for it!” Turns out her daughter is now 3 1/2 and the mother can’t bring herself to say no. Wow.

While the La Leche League does say that a mother should breastfeed as long as long as she and the child wish to do so, I personally don’t really feel comfortable nursing a child that can as me for it in a complete sentence.

I did nurse my little boy for almost a full year, all of which I am extremely grateful to have shared with him. I am a major supporter of breastfeeding and if anyone asks me about my experience, that person will only here how wonderful of an experience I had and how amazing it was to have that type of relationship with my child. I know a number of mothers who are unable to nurse – whether just a little bit or at all – and while that is okay too, it does make me feel extremely blessed that my body allowed me to breastfeed my baby.

Really, I just found it interesting and even a little strange that this woman couldn’t say “no” or help her daughter grow up into toddlerhood from infancy. Here I am, trying to teach my little boy that he doesn’t want a drink of water in a bottle (he likes to pretend to be a baby on occasion) and this woman is lactating for a child older than mine!

Where am I forming my opinion from? Is this society telling me that I shouldn’t provide breast for my children this long? Or is it motherly instinct that repels me from providing this form of nutrition for a child beyond a certain age? Maybe it’s because my child is a boy? What I do know is that it would, in fact, feel incredibly unnatural for me to still try to breastfeed my son – who can walk, talk, sleeps in a big boy bed, can count to 10, is potty trained and could chew steak.

You be the judge. What is the longest you’ve breastfed a child? Would you do it until that child went to preschool?

 

For more information on breastfeeding, I suggest looking at the site for the La Leche League. Link below: 

http://www.llli.org/

210 days ago Short URL 4 Comments

Mom

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05

Nov

I Saw Something Interesting Today…

A friend of mine works for a local TV show on KSL called Studio 5. I often enjoy the crafts and DIY projects they have on there. While I did miss today’s episode, I caught a post they made on their Facebook status, a continued discussion from an on-air conversation:

We were just chatting about mom cliques on the air. Let the conversation continue… What is your experience with mom cliques?

After one of my last posts about making friends, I find it interesting that this topic is being discussed from the other way around. While I did notice that I didn’t instantly become friends with other moms in my neighborhood, I certainly did not think to blame those women for it. Sure, I’d love to be part of a group of other moms and have play dates, friends for my kid, and other grown-ups to talk to during the day. Who wouldn’t? BUT What if it just so happens that I do not have anything in common with these women? Are they people that I would get along with if we didn’t have children? Reading the comments that so many posted have really gotten my wheels turning. They have also gotten me a little worked up.

Sometimes when you are mormon you don’t get the time of day if you don’t look a certain way and your husband doesnt have the right job.

THere’s nothing worse than being on the wrong side of a clique. It’s heart breaking to hear people talking about this great activity that they just went to or had.(bonco, bookclub, walking group etc) And you try to make it known you enjoy those things and would like to join them.But the invite never comes. It’s hard to have great news and only share it with your husband or children, or sad news or any news. It’s hard when you just want to vent and all you have is your husband who just wants to fix the problem. And if you do talk to someone they feel you are bragging, or complaining ,or competing. It’s a lonely feeling to be on the other side of a clique.

The Mormon mom cliques. These women have the advantage of knowing each other from church, relief society, etc., so when you’re not Mormon, you don’t get the time of day from these women.

(Apparently lots of these people have issues with women knowing each other from church…)

I find it interesting that so many people just expect established groups of friends to instantly welcome a new person into their posse – JUST because they have kids. What if that isn’t what it’s about AT ALL? Sadly, in some cases, I think it has more to do with the adult as a person than it does having children in common.

Personally, I am always open to spending time with new people. I would not and do not reject an invitation to be part of a new “group” or to invite people to spend time with me – regardless of their situation, religion, background, kids/no kids or otherwise. I should never miss out on an opportunity to know someone new or to take the opportunity to see what they might have to teach me – about anything. I will say though, that if our personalities aren’t very compatible, that new person shouldn’t expect me to be their very best friend and to do absolutely everything together. To be honest, the only person I can spend that much time with is my husband…and sometimes I have to ditch him, too!

I’m not saying that all of these comments are bad. One comment that I relate to completely (and there are a few other good ones too):

We moved a few years ago and I assumed that all the other ladies in the area were friends and I was an outsider. We’d been “new” for 13 months and I still hadn’t made a friend. One day I got brave and decided to invite a few ladies and their kids over to play. Turns out they didn’t have friends either…and they had assumed the same about me. I wasted 13 months feeling sorry for myself for not belonging, when I was surrounded by women needing friends. I think must of the time cliques are labeled by those sitting on the sidelines and not being active in finding friends

 

After reading some 30+ comments, I find it sad that many women have so little self confidence to introduce themselves to someone or invite a person over. Sure, I haven’t always done it, but I’m also not complaining about it. I’d like to see a little effort there first, before I feel too sorry for someone that isn’t even trying to meet new people. I also find it interesting that so many just expected their neighbors and church members to drop everything they’re doing and invite this new person to be their friend – JUST because they are now a new parent. If I wasn’t friends with someone when I was single, why would having a baby change that? Just having a child does not mean I should be friends with someone. That’s just silly. Maybe having something substantial in common, or having similar personalities, or liking some of the same things could be grounds for friendship. The threshold lies, however, in having that initial conversation with someone you’d like to be friends with. How would I know if I’d like to be friends with someone if I don’t make the effort to talk to them?!

My point is, don’t complain about it if you’re not willing to make changes to the problem yourself.

Sadly, not all the comments were so entitled. A few really make strong attempts. I genuinely felt sad for this one:

I’m having a hard time with actually… There was no Playgroup in my area/ward so I started one and I have struggled ever since (for a year now). I sometimes feel really defeated when only one person shows up or I am the only who shows up. I just keep telling myself that I can’t give up! I know I’m not the only mom out there that needs a friend!

This is a person who is opening herself, making an effort, inviting others to join her. Maybe if she made an effort to get to know one person at a time, she could build up her own group of friends? I don’t know. I do admire her for opening herself to serve and be supportive of others. You go girl.

I do believe there are people in the world who are wonderful friends, looking for other wonderful friends who are enough alike that they could be very close, regardless of how far they might live from one another. Especially with all the technology that we have currently, there really isn’t an excuse to not have friends if both parties are applying themselves.

To all those who are bashing the LDS Church women for not inviting them to be part of their “clique”: Let’s think for a moment how the rest of the non-LDS women in the world make friends….hmm…I have friends that I used to be roommates with before I got married. I have some friends from high school, who are out of state. I have friends that I used to work with. I even have friends who are wives of men I used to work with. I also have friends who are wives of my husbands friends from all walks of life. These are just people I’ve met through history – what about the people who are in the line at the grocery store who look friendly and maybe their toddler is making faces and noises at mine? If you’re strictly looking for other moms to be friends with, try going out to the playground at the mall (Winters are killer here) or at the park. There are swimming pools, sports (yes, even for toddlers), gymnastics, music classes, and even the library. In a world (here in Utah) where one might think it is easy to rely on our neighbors/church groups,  I’d like to see these powerful, Latter-Day Saint women be strong and of good courage. After all, how are we supposed to teach our children self-confidence and to love others if we are not examples of such actions?

If you’d like a little inspiration, read this incredibly touching story about these two women who became such close friends; one was a surrogate for the other’s baby. Oh, and guess what! They met at story time at the library.

 

http://www.parenting.com/gallery/surrogate-mother?pnid=455288

 

 

 

 

 

211 days ago Short URL 3 Comments

Mom/Parenting

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27

Oct

In Regards to the Dragon Mom….

My friend, Jen, left a comment about my Dragon Mom post – I really like it. I’ve always grooved on Jen for her incredible insight – and for her ability to see things in such a different light than anyone else. Particularly, I really love her sarcasm. Equally so, I appreciate her sensitivity to Spiritual inspiration. I hope you don’t mind my sharing part of her comment:

 

My friend just lost her 14 month old boy last month. He choked on a fruit snack. Although he was living with a genetic disease that cuased several birth defects, he wasn’t terminal and he had a good outlook for the rest of his life. But that didn’t happen for him. In a flash, he lost his life and my friend lost him. One thing that I don’t agree with the Dragon Mom on is that “nothing is forever.” I know that families are. My friend won’t have her son with her in mortality, but she’ll have him in eternity. She was a good example of living each day to the fullest. I think it’s still necessary to prepare for our children’s future while still fully being in the present. It’s a fine balance.

I am grateful to have the same belief as Jen, that families are forever. We are on this Earth for human experiences, to learn and to grow. As a family, we do this together. I am sorry to hear about this woman losing her child- no mom should have to lose a baby (no matter the age!). It is a constant reminder of how fragile life is, but also of how important it is to live each day to its fullest, appreciating all that God has blessed us with.

Thanks, Jen, for sharing.

219 days ago Short URL Comments

Love/Mom/Parenting

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27

Oct

New Friends

I was reading an article yesterday from Parenting.com (thank you Twitter!) about new moms and how they can make new friends with other moms. It was a “how-to”….

At first, I was laughed. I thought it was so silly. Of course every new mom needs at least one friend that is a mom. Truth be told, we need friends of all kinds. We need a friend who has an older child (or a few) to be our Veteran mom – the one who can tell you what to expect and help prepare you for it (and hopefully she does this!). Mom needs a friend with a child close in age to our own – the mom who can relate and go through it with you. We need our married friends to go on double dates with, who is settled down enough to go out and get a late night dessert with, making the experience at least relaxing with grown-up talk. This person can still relate to married life, but doesn’t require you to talk about your kids all the time.

Let’s not forget my personal favorite, my single girl friend. It is obvious that my kids are my priority in life – I quit my corporate job to spend all day taking care of them…EVERY day – but that doesn’t mean once in a while, I don’t want to go out and forget about all of that. Personally, I need a friend who won’t ask me about potty training or how my kids are sleeping at night. Someone who won’t view my husband as my equal, but as the babysitter, so she and I can go out for a few hours in patent leather high heels and clothes that don’t have unidentified stains on them. While I need each of these people to survive, I must say, this person is often the one who is down for the craziest types of fun.

Beyond the fact that we all need some sort of friends, I thought it was ridiculous that someone actually wrote an article on “how-to” make friends. Sure, there are times in life where we need to find a new posse, but at what point did we women become incapable of doing so?

Then, my second thought – or realization, really. When is the last time I realized my need for new people in my life and actually tried to seek them out? My perfect example of this: In 2007, we moved into our current home. The same year (I believe) our neighbors across the street moved in.  At the time, my husband and I were both working and didn’t have any kids – and didn’t see them in our near future. When moving into a new area, isn’t it completely natural to get to know your neighbors? Especially the ones in a similar situation as you? You’d think so, wouldn’t you? 2 years later, and one small baby boy later, we finally met our neighbors across the street. It took someone else moving in, a few blocks away, who was looking for new friends to bring us all together. This new girl sat by us both at church, on separate occasions, and told us both that we were going to be her new friends. Ambitious and friendly, she called a few times, inviting us out and over to her place, really to anything that was going on. She made an effort to get to know me. I felt she was genuinely interested in who I was as a person and wanted to be a part of it. Her enthusiasm made me want to know her better. She had qualities to admire. Now, some time later, I have since been introduced to the girl across the street – only because of the new girl. I honestly feel sad that it took actual YEARS, as opposed to days and weeks – to learn her name. I regret that I didn’t make that effort to know her – but grateful that someone else was willing to work so hard to bring us all together.

Now I ask myself, am I still THAT girl? Am I still so shy that I cannot even make (or buy) some cookies to take over and say “Hello, my name is…”? I hope not. I did notice that having a baby put me in a completely different category when it comes to social groups – especially at church. For some reason, people who already have children suddenly want to get acquainted. Perhaps for some of the reasons I mentioned above? I do think that being post-partum can have a lot to do with new moms’ ability to make friends. It is difficult enough not sleeping for more than a few hours every night; it makes waking up to be cheerful, bright and ready to mingle at the playground near impossible (that is a good place to meet moms, btw).

Furthermore, through all the physical “new mom” changes, we can’t forget that a new mom is also trying to redefine herself. I think there are many hurdles people go through in life in which we have to stop and think about who we have become, decide if there are changes to be made, etc. For a person having a baby, it’s an ongoing process in which, at many times we must ask ourselves, “who are we becoming“. Babies cause a number of changes in a marriage alone, ie finances, sex, and even just time for each other. Then, we have to consider that both of those people have new roles they are growing into – “mom” and “dad” – while still maintaining the rest of their existing responsibilities.

Through all this, how is it we don’t entirely lose all our fire? When we think back to when it just used to be “me” or a coupled “us”, did we have more ambition? Did I used to have this hesitancy when meeting new people? Or did I look for something (or someone) in my view and work to obtain it? Personally, I did not. Making friends in the workplace came easy to me – I saw those people for more of my waking hours than I saw my own husband. I don’t have that privilege anymore. Outside of work, I was shy, timid, willing to be friends with almost anyone – if only they‘d make the effort to talk to me. How am I now? I would like to to think I am better – but sometimes I look around the playground or at the kids a few doors down and realize, I know the kids names better than I know the parents.

I watch my son – who calls all children “friends” – chasing after other kids on the playground, no matter their age, and being so excited to meet them. He tells them his name and will follow some of them until they decide to find him interesting. I admire his naivety. I might have been like him once….

219 days ago Short URL Comments

Mom/Parenting

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22

Oct

Moms Can do Amazing Things

There is something in all people I think, that has the ability to change when they have children. Sure, there are negligent parents out there, but then there are moms and dads who are amazing.

I have personally witnessed the changes in myself, but even more, in my husband. Recently, as my little boy and I dropped my husband off early in the morning for work, my husband opened the back door to say good-bye to our 2 yr-old and give him a kiss. He did so and just as he was pulling away, I heard a small voice say “Eff kiss”…”Eff” is actually Geoff, our son’s well-loved, worn-down, ratty little giraffe that was once a beautiful, soft stuffed animal. Without hesitation, my husband leans in and gives the ratty doll a big kiss and wishes it a “good day”.

Confused, but not surprised by these events, I ponder them the rest of my drive home. Certainly, the young man I fell in love with almost 7 years ago would never have so willingly treated an old stuffed toy with such love, unabashed. Perhaps, though, this potential my subconscious saw in his heart is what drew me to him with such a strong force? His heart has always been kind, but along the way somewhere, it opened. Where he once might have been embarrassed to do certain things, he now takes action in his second nature…because he is a dad.

Woman. Since the beginning of time, women have been valued for their strong nature, especially when it comes to their children. Having been compared to fierce animals as bears and lions, stories about loving women never cease to amaze me. When I first became a mother, I found changes in myself to include strong protective qualities, perhaps even to a fault. I want more than anything to keep my child safe, happy and with God’s will, healthy. I started to feel this way not only concerning my own offspring, but about the children in my family and my very close friends.

I think that once a person knows the true innocence and helplessness of a child, there is no way not to feel an obligation to protect the general safety of that small person. The sad thing is, I think for most people, it takes becoming a parent to see this quality.

I read two news stories today.

The first is out of China. [http://slate.me/nYX5AA] A toddler is hit by a car, while playing in the street. She is run over more than once. The accidents are observed by a crowd, and yet, NO ONE steps in to help the little girl. 18 people pass her by, before someone takes any action. What is worse, is the first car that hit her, knew it. The driver pauses, then keeps going. After about a week in the hospital on life support, the little girl passed away yesterday. Where, I ask, is the human nature? Why did no one feel the slightest instinct in protecting a small child? Including her parents? What parents let their toddler play in a busy street – and make no efforts over a period of time to verify her safety? Even if they were unaware of where she was playing, shouldn’t they have felt a need to find out at some point? Stories like this cause me to ask, what is this world coming to? 

Then, I stumble across this: http://on.msnbc.com/qfXQWP. Article title “Mom Shielding Kids is Shot Dead Outside NYC School”. Certainly I never want to hear of anyone (especially the innocent) being shot to death, but I did find some comfort knowing she was sacrificing herself for a number of little children, who are truly the innocent. Broken hearted, I was somewhat comforted that in a moment where this woman could have fled, perhaps saving herself and her own children, she made sure to protect the lives who still have an opportunity to live and do great things in this world. Amazing. I am very sad for her family, but if I had to lose someone close to me in such a way, I couldn’t be more proud of her decision. I pray that should a situation occur, that I might have the strength to save the life of others as she did. I find it truly incredible that her nature as a mother – as a human – took over her completely. It was her instinct…and her love, I suppose, as a mother, that kept her there, protecting the lives of innocent little ones.

I find it incredible how one mom can share that “parent” bond with another. I find it easier to sympathize with other mothers, as we have gone through many of the same and similar experiences. Even if I am not familiar with some situations, especially those of loss, I am at least able to imagine what that might be like. It is difficult to comprehend what it would be to lose something, if you never had it, right? What I think when I read this article is how this one mom saved all these other mothers (and fathers) from loss. I couldn’t imagine losing my baby that way. I couldn’t imagine saving my own children, myself, and letting other moms lose their babies. Sure, this story is about the kids she saved…but it is also about the pain she saved all these moms from feeling. There is a special place in Heaven, where this woman is now residing.

224 days ago Short URL Comments

Love/Mom/Parenting/Rescue/Uncategorized

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21

Oct

Things I Learned from a Dragon Mom

I try. I try very hard to be the best Mom I know how to be. Being 8 months pregnant isn’t easy on its own and while my body is growing/caring for a new little one on the inside, on the outside I am chasing down a rambunctious (almost!) 3 yr old by myself for 9 hours out of the day. My husband is certainly amazing, working all day, then coming home to take care of both his toddler and very pregnant wife – as well as housing my younger brother. For us, we seem to be counting down the days until one thing happens, or another (for instance, my brother moving out on his own- yay for him! Or until our baby gets here – or even until Christmas gets here). It seems we are always waiting something out or preparing for an even to happen.

 

I read this article from NYT today, about a mother who has learned to live in the present, to enjoy the moments with her son, to live only for love. Before I begin, here is the link to the article: http://bit.ly/p22F5z. I highly recommend reading it separately, with a large box of tissues.

My big concerns with my family right now involve potty training my toddler, trying to get him to stay in his own bed at night (especially when I’ll be taking care of a newborn in just a few weeks) and in general, raising a boy who is polite and conscious of the people and the world around him. I want him to be considerate of others’ feelings and confident in himself. My thoughts are primarily consumed with how to teach him the right things to become a good person and to become the best version of himself he can be. I realize that all the things I do today will ultimately effect the person he becomes someday and I do my best to make those actions count. Sadly, while these things are true, I realized (after reading Emily Rapp’s amazing story) that I don’t savor enough of my moments in a day.

Emily’s son, Ronan, has Tay-Sach’s disease and will most-likely not live past his 3rd birthday. This rare genetic disease will cause her son to slowly recess into a vegetative state before passing away. She describes herself as a “dragon parent”, one who is “fierce and loyal and loving as hell”. A parent who strives to help her child live “with minimal discomfort and maximum dignity”. One who would take on the world, if only it would make a difference – somehow save the life of her little boy. She describes her experiences as having  ”taught us how to parent for the here and now, for the sake of parenting, for the humanity implicit in the act itself, though this runs counter to traditional wisdom and advice.”

A parent’s objective completely changes when the child’s outcome is already set. I live every day trying to give my kids the best opportunities available to them, hoping to see them become something better than I am or could be. But what if I already knew what my sons would become? If their fate was set in stone, good or bad, regardless of what efforts or sacrifice I was willing to make? Would that change how I raised them every day? For better or for worse? Sure it would. What if I knew I would lose them?

 

“How do you parent without a net, without a future, knowing that you will lose your child, bit by torturous bit?

Depressing? Sure. But not without wisdom, not without a profound understanding of the human experience or without hard-won lessons, forged through grief and helplessness and deeply committed love about how to be not just a mother or a father but how to be human.”

 

I think we (as parents) often get too caught up in tomorrow. On HOW we are going to provide for our children, how to help them be better than the rest. We think about what preschools to send our kids to and when. We buy products like “Your Baby Can Read” and get them their own ipads packed with challenging, educational apps in hopes they’ll be smarter and excel above their classes. While educating our children is, of course, extremely important – what I worry – and hope I don’t pass by –  is the opportunity to enjoy these sweet babies in the stages they naturally go through instead of pushing them so hard to be more than what they are in that very moment.

 

“ I am a reflection of him and not the other way around, and this is, I believe, as it should be. This is a love story, and like all great love stories, it is a story of loss. Parenting, I’ve come to understand, is about loving my child today. Now. In fact, for any parent, anywhere, that’s all there is.”

 

Her words are so perfectly expressed, so lovingly stated. What, may I ask, have I learned from my own young son today? I realize, while it is my job to educate and raise him, I still must be teachable.

Today, little Beck and I snuggled under a warm blanket while the windows were all open. We watched Dumbo and ate toast and drank chocolate milk. I held his little hands and kissed his soft cheeks, thankful for the warmth that pulsed through them. For just a little while, I didn’t care if he comprehended or learned anything, except that his mother loves him.

 

 

226 days ago Short URL Comments

Love/Mom/Parenting/Uncategorized

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